Chapter 5: The Brokenness Within
Chapter Five: The Brokenness Within
One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” (Luke 5:1-8 NIV)
There are many scenes in the gospels when great crowds wanted to hear Jesus speak. This would be true today if Jesus was flesh and bones with us like he was in Galilee two thousand years ago. There is something charismatic about Jesus that naturally draws people to him. On some deep instinctual level we know he is full of wisdom. Even those who went away from Jesus thinking he was nuts, still had to acknowledge that there was something captivating about him.
Truth is, we are all works in progress as human beings. We are not complete, whole, or even fully human the way we are intended to be. There is something missing in our souls. There is a hole in us that needs to be filled. Even the people who seem to have it all together are in the same boat. There are no perfect people. Thus, we all ache to hear something that will change our lives. Something that will deeply satisfy us. “Hey, I hear this carpenter has some good things to say. Let’s go listen to him.” This deep human yearning was why crowds flocked to Jesus.
An invitation to go deep
As Jesus left the crowds he went with Simon Peter into the deep waters. What a marvelous phrase! It has such tremendous implications. Our souls are like deep waters. We too are invited by God to go fishing with Jesus. Sadly not everybody moves from the shore to inside the boat. Many people stay fixated on the external. They never explore the deep waters of the internal soul or psyche. Call it inner work or spiritual direction or individuation. It is paying attention to what goes on inside each of us.
The inner soul can be fished in many ways. Most reflect inwardly by receiving feedback from others. Some go deep in prayer and contemplation. Others pay attention to the unconscious, which may be accessed through our dreams.
Peter must have thought Jesus was off his rocker at times. Here Peter, a seasoned fisherman, was taking orders from a carpenter. We all have great pride that gets in the way sometimes. Even though we instinctively realize that we do not know everything, we still may refuse help or guidance. Will we really listen to and trust Jesus? Hopefully we find the courage to check our pride at the door and listen to God in our lives. “Well, I guess I’ll try. What do I have to lose?”. We slowly convince ourselves.
Then out of nowhere all these fish got caught in Peter’s net. Who knew there was so much down there? In fact, he was amazed that there was anything down there at all. However, there were so many fish he could not even pull them up on his own. What an amazing and yet challenging gift? Trusting the grace of God is never easy.
Peter told Jesus, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” We all become frightened when awakened to something uncomfortable about ourselves. Our initial instinct is avoidance. Pulling up life from our depths is difficult, but not because it confronts us with massive ungodly failures. Instead it painfully reminds us of our genuine hunger and brokenness. We are all broken, you and me. God gives us the grace to acknowledge this hurtful truth. It is scary at first, but it is ultimately the path to healing and wholeness.
My first catch
In the fall of 1994, I was not aware of how broken I was. Oh sure, I knew I was created good, and overall I was a decent guy. I got along well in society and generally people liked me. I also knew I was not perfect. Further, I knew there was something missing within, but what was it? Was I to blame for the darkness I was experiencing?
I always shrank from the word sin. I did not like to think that I did bad things. I certainly did not like being called a sinner. However, doing inner work with dreams transformed my understanding. I read an incredibly enlightening chapter 3 in John Sanford's Healing Body and Soul concerning sin. I learned about a Greek word for sin, which is hamartia. The word literally means to ‘miss the mark,' and comes from ancient words used by Greek archers. We may ‘miss the mark’ by doing bad things in life or by not following God’s law. However, there is another way of understanding sin as ‘missings of the mark.’ John Sanford writes, "A central Greek idea is that the inability of the archer to hit the target lies in a fault in the character or consciousness of the archer." Thus, from an inner perspective sin is not just focusing on when we do bad things. It is the ‘missings of the mark’ in our souls due to lack of consciousness or awareness. Sin comes from those unaware parts inside of us that are hurt, broken or underdeveloped. This brokenness may lead us to sin, but all sinful actions have roots within. From this perspective it is most important to get in touch with our inner pains.
God created us in God’s image and likeness. We are not made bad. Instead our ‘missings of the mark’ originate from deep internal wounds. The moment we are born, we begin to internalize and relate to a sinful and broken world. This deeply affects us. Internal wounds in our psyche occur. These are what God wants us to probe and fish out. It is a painful process. However, Jesus continually invites us to the deep waters. If we only investigate the beach, then we will unconsciously live out of our brokenness over and over and over again. We will wind up harming ourselves and others. “What was the brokenness in me?” I wondered.
“The muddy pants” Thursday 9/1/94
I was leaving somewhere like college. I needed a ride home. I jumped in the back of this truck, I think I was with my brother and there was a good looking red-haired female. So when me and my brother jumped in the backseat I made sure I was sitting next to her. The guy driving us I recognized as some guy I met out west. In the dream I understood that he was always the guy who drove me to and from school. He had a friend in the front who was someone who was not overly bright. I remember he finally drove the route I wanted him to take. Like it was finally going to be done right. I showed my brother a few places where I had lived, but I could not point to them exactly. Then we made it to the driver’s house and I jumped out of the truck and both the driver and I had on jeans that were really muddy. He was really mad and thought his folks were going to kill him. I just couldn’t understand how mine (jeans) had gotten muddy. I remember seeing a small footprint from maybe like a small child on my pants. Then I got into a conversation with the guy in the passenger seat and I remember feeling empathy for him. Well, then the driver returned and was going to take me and my brother home. I decided to jump in the back seat of the pick-up. Then I remember my brother asked me if I had any money to pay the driver for gas. He wouldn’t accept a ten dollar bill from my brother thinking it was too much. I gave him a dollar bill and a lot of quarters. My brother offered me a cigarette and I felt really free.
Nancy - How did you feel in the dream?
Me - I felt anxious and angry at first, then I felt happy and free. I felt excited when I sat next to the red-haired girl.
Nancy - What do you think of when you think of a red-haired girl?
Me - I usually think of someone who is fiery, fun, and full of energy. I think of Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. They are usually very attractive.
Nancy - And you are attracted to this girl in the dream?
Me - Yes. Very much so.
Nancy - And who is this driver?
Me - I recognized him as one of my bunk mates when I was out west in Yellowstone Park.
Nancy - Say more about him.
Me - When I was out West doing the program for the ministry in the National Parks, I stayed in a cabin with these real live cowboy ranch hands. We were at the most remote place in the park. These cowboys’ job was to take groups out on a wagon ride, stop and cook steaks over the fire, and them tell funny cowboy stories to the people.
Nancy - Sounds like fun. They seem like fun-loving down-to-earth guys.
Me - Yeah, and a little off-the-wall and nutty too.
Nancy - And their driving your car?
Me - Yeah. What does that mean?
Nancy - A car often represents your ego. Someone driving your car in a dream is telling you who may be unconsciously steering you around. Looks like you have a nutty cowboy driving you right now. Do you feel crazy or out of control at times?
Me - Sometimes...probably.
Nancy - But he gets it right in the end. What about these muddy pants?
Me - I was going to ask you.
Nancy - What do you think they symbolize?
Me - Well, I would be embarrassed if I had muddy pants.
Nancy - Shame. What is your shame?
Me - I don’t know. I guess I am ashamed I was a fraternity guy.
Nancy - How so?
Me - Well, I always felt like I lived a dual life. Sometimes as a Christian, sometimes as a fraternity guy.
Nancy - Did you do anything wrong?
Me - No, just stupid things.
Nancy - So you are ashamed of who you can be sometimes?
Me - I guess. Although I liked my fraternity.
Nancy - The dream doesn’t indicate you did anything wrong, just that you feel shame.
Me - I guess there was nothing wrong partying.
Nancy - It is interesting there is a child’s footprint on the muddy pants.
Me - Yeah.
Nancy - Could you feel shame as a child?
Me - Sure. I guess.
Nancy - I wonder where you picked up this inner shame?
Me - What?
Nancy - Well, the dream indicates you have this inner shame. It is like a ‘missing of the mark.’
Me - A ‘missing of the mark?’
Nancy - Yes. Sometimes we have inner hurts that affect our external actions. Something from your childhood made you internalize shame.
Me - Do I need to do anything?
Nancy - Maybe just reflect on where you picked up this shame. How do you describe your brother?
Me - My brother is closest to me in age. He is the person I was closest to while I was growing up. My brother thus knows about my childhood years the best. My brother is a very good guy who is very kind, but he is also deep down very intense.
Nancy - It is interesting. In the dream, your brother can’t pay for you anymore.
Me - What does that mean?
Nancy - I am not sure, but definitely something to reflect on.
This dream started me on the journey to become aware of my brokenness, wounds, and sins. My ‘missings of the mark.’ In the end of the dream my brother tried to pay for me, but I had to pay for this ride myself. Money often represents energy in dreams. I was invited to give my energy towards getting in touch with my inner brokenness. Everybody has wounds from our childhood. The point is not to dwell on them, but to learn how they affect our present. We ought not get stuck in blaming ourselves or others for our inner pain. This does more damage than good. Instead, we are called to just identify the hurt and move forward. The end result will be grace filled. Peter said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” We should all be so lucky to know our sinfulness as Peter did, and to be able to offer it to Jesus.
“My father going to the doctor” Saturday 9/3/94
I remember going to a doctor's office. I went with my dad. I wasn’t sure why we were there. Then a nurse came out and called my dad to go back. He was the one who was sick.
Nancy - How did you feel in the dream?
Me - I felt confused, cold, and sad.
Nancy - What does it mean to be in a doctor's office?
Me - Well, of course you go to the doctor when you are sick. Who do you think is sick my dad or me? In the dream I thought my dad took me to the doctor. However, it was him who they called back.
Nancy - Interesting. Describe your Dad.
Me - My dad is a wonderful man. He is very hard working and caring. He is smart and very resourceful. He is a mechanical engineer by trade. He has been the director of quality assurance at a company in Dayton, Ohio, for over twenty years now. I use to joke with my dad. When he had a bad day I would say, “Well, you are a QA guy. You wouldn’t have a job if everyone did everything perfect.” My dad did not think I was funny. My dad could be a very stern man. He could get very mad. When he did I would avoid him. Dad was very particular about keeping his cars running and his yard in tip top shape.
Nancy - How does he deal with his emotions?
Me - As I say, my dad can get very mad, but he often broods and does not share his emotions. I know he felt withdrawn for some years while I was in middle school and early high school.
Nancy - How did that affect you?
Me - I guess it made me sad. We did not have the closest of relationships during that time. Although later in high school and in college dad was much better and more fun to be around. My dad was a jokester at heart and it finally came through.
Nancy - How are you like your father?
Me - Well, I can be pretty silly too. I am not near as meticulous as he is. I tend to bury my emotions as well, and can get very angry. I can also be very withdrawn.
Nancy - Can you think of a time when you buried your emotions?
Me - Well, this one time I remember as a young teenager getting very mad and passing out with anger.
Nancy - Oh, my goodness, that is awful.
Me - I do not remember the specifics of the argument, but I was standing on the step between the kitchen and the family room. My mom and dad were being condescending to me over something. I got very upset. I couldn’t yell at them, but I ran up to my room and passed out with anger.
Nancy - Dan, that is very significant. Do you still bury your emotions?
Me - I guess I do.
Nancy - Can you go home and think of how and when you bury your emotions?
Me - I probably do it so often I don’t even realize.
Nancy - This is very important stuff, a big internal wound in you. Now you know why you are at the doctor.
Me - It sucks being at the doctor. I hate it.
Nancy - Going to the doctor within is the way to healing.
Me - Jesus.
Nancy - Yes. Absolutely.
As I remember that time, I remember dealing with a lot of emotions. Below is an excerpt from my journal at that time:
I know the problem now. I don’t and have never let people know me fully. I never report my feelings for what they are, but I analyze them first and then report them, then they stay that way inside me. I am sick of analyzing, but I know it will not go away right away, it will take time. I was always taught to suck it up and be good. But I also know that I don’t condone or approve of people who act out every feeling or emotion they have. That can be too destructive as well. How do I find a balance?
One of my great ‘missings of the mark’ was that I would bury feelings. Usually I wound up feeling sorry for myself. Nancy suggested I read The Artist Way by Julia Cameron and do the morning pages discussed in that book. The idea was to purge what was going on inside so you could be creative. For me, journaling became a way of getting in touch with my feelings.
Another word about people in our dreams
We often dream about famous people, people we know or people unknown to us but that have a distinctive characteristic. When anyone arrives in our dreams, the first thing to remember is that the dream is not necessarily about that person. They are representing an aspect of ourselves. We thus want to understand how we view that person, good and not-so-good traits. We all have good and not-so-good characteristics. Pointing out someone’s shortcomings does not mean that we love them less or that they are a bad person. It is simply how we experience them.
We are also to pay attention to the context of the dream. This helps define what aspects of the person the unconscious is highlighting to us. It is also important to note that family and friends are very important in dreams.
Reflection questions:
- How do you understand sin?
- What brokenness in your psyche are you aware of?
- What helps you deal with your brokenness?